Sometimes,
the burden of being an independent woman gets too much. It makes me too strong
to lean on anybody, forces me to have a mind of my own on everything.
Grown up with under the protection of a women with unbelievably strong ideas, someone who changed many things in that time and age and a man who helped me follow my dreams. I grew up to be an overwhelmed feminist during my college days and believed my economic and emotional independence was a right I couldn't be denied. But after years of being one handling the changing dramatic life… it gets tiring, fighting every minute to be what you want to be. It would be so easy to give it all up, but believe me it isn't. There are not one but many days when I want to let this whole idea slip off, of being a strong willed emancipated thinking woman and stumble in nothingness. Be vain, lead a life like other simple married girls I know are living and let people ride over me without minding it.
But there's a voice inside me that won't allow me to do any of that, spurring me on to shun all vestiges of dependence, holding me up when I would rather drop down and rest. It isn't easy to carry on at all times, showing myself as a brave girl, but it's lot more difficult to stop or turn back now.
Sometimes I feel sad for women around me who haven't had the privilege to come into their own yet by choice or not. There are days when I feel jealous: wouldn't it be easy to let others' decide the course of your life, to go with the flow simply, rather than walking against the tide? And here I am, struggling everyday with the small and big decisions of my life - from managing daily chores at work to thinking about the alternatives when I can give it all up to have children, from making small mental notes about how I would bring up a son or a daughter to helping spouse evolve out of the patriarchal society he grew up in. I look at the other metro women who don't consider marriage at even 30 and then I look at my cousins and friends who have had children in early twenties itself, and how I wish I wasn't stuck somewhere in-between!
It's very easy to say 'Go with your heart' or ‘Do what your heart says’. But opposites wrench my heart making me feel mysterious to myself!
Grown up with under the protection of a women with unbelievably strong ideas, someone who changed many things in that time and age and a man who helped me follow my dreams. I grew up to be an overwhelmed feminist during my college days and believed my economic and emotional independence was a right I couldn't be denied. But after years of being one handling the changing dramatic life… it gets tiring, fighting every minute to be what you want to be. It would be so easy to give it all up, but believe me it isn't. There are not one but many days when I want to let this whole idea slip off, of being a strong willed emancipated thinking woman and stumble in nothingness. Be vain, lead a life like other simple married girls I know are living and let people ride over me without minding it.
But there's a voice inside me that won't allow me to do any of that, spurring me on to shun all vestiges of dependence, holding me up when I would rather drop down and rest. It isn't easy to carry on at all times, showing myself as a brave girl, but it's lot more difficult to stop or turn back now.
Sometimes I feel sad for women around me who haven't had the privilege to come into their own yet by choice or not. There are days when I feel jealous: wouldn't it be easy to let others' decide the course of your life, to go with the flow simply, rather than walking against the tide? And here I am, struggling everyday with the small and big decisions of my life - from managing daily chores at work to thinking about the alternatives when I can give it all up to have children, from making small mental notes about how I would bring up a son or a daughter to helping spouse evolve out of the patriarchal society he grew up in. I look at the other metro women who don't consider marriage at even 30 and then I look at my cousins and friends who have had children in early twenties itself, and how I wish I wasn't stuck somewhere in-between!
It's very easy to say 'Go with your heart' or ‘Do what your heart says’. But opposites wrench my heart making me feel mysterious to myself!
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